writing 101 challenge day 4 – i lost my way

i mentioned previously that i lost 75 pounds about 6 or 7 years ago. after the loss of close friends and family (including my mom) i gave up on being healthy. i lost the why.

i did weight watchers from october of last year to april of this year. i cancelled my membership because although i learned a lot i wasn’t doing the work. i no longer wanted to pay to lose 5lbs gain 2 then lose 3 and gain 4. i was tired of the cycle and decided to stop. one thing that we were asked often was why we wanted to lose. i could always find reasons why, but in my heart there was no reason or i wasn’t being honest about it.

to be healthy

to be an example for my family

to develop healthy habits so my future kids will have healthy habits

to wear cute clothes

to be skinny

to be accepted

i think the last one was more on the nose. i’ve always felt awkward growing up. i felt different. i know we are all different, but it seemed more noticable to me. now being an adult i feel to fit in is to be smaller. just about everyone it seems is small. at work at least. i feel like the giant blob. the literal elephant in the room. those reason above are reason why i want to lose weight, but i’m not sure in my heart it’s there. i want to live. i know losing the weight and getting rid of my high blood pressure will aid in that. i want to have children and a healthy weight will make that more of a reality too.

part of a healthy lifestyle is about loving yourself. you begin to love yourself enough to do what it needs to be healthy. i’m trying to love myself more. probably another thing i lost. i’m not sure i loved myself so much to begin with, but it got worse over time. the most important thing is to love you first. care for you first. then you can do for others.