Category Archives: personal

Never Stop Fighting

My mom passed away 4 years ago and since then my life has been a mess. I gained 40 pounds, moved out of state (TX to MN), and was in a relationship that sucked every piece of energy out of me for 3 years.
The last 6 months of my moms life became more and more about caring for her and less caring for myself. I remember giving up on trying to lose weight. She said she wanted to see my skinny. After early mornings and late nights on top of working a full-time job I had no energy to care for myself.
After my mom passed I didn’t know what to do. I suddenly had all the time in the world, but couldn’t do anything with it. Six months later I moved to Minnesota. My father and stepmom helped move me here and after they left I started crying. I wondered who was going to tell me what to do lol. I was 31 and never made a decision without someone’s approval. I’m the baby girl. Everyone was protective of me. I was told no a lot growing up while everyone else was told yes. My siblings were stronger than me. Including my younger brother. He told me he felt like he was my older brother. So that is why I moved. To find my strength and to learn to take care of myself.
November 2011 I meet a guy. He’s short (I’m 5’8 and he’s probably 5’7), but good looking and seems nice. Nothing was right about this relationship. Too much happened in the 3 years we were together to write here, but let’s just say I was not taking care of myself. This is when I gained the last 25 of the 40. He has moved back to his home state so we are not together, but I hear from occasionally. I am now free to care for myself.
Self care is hard when you’ve never been taught. I had undiagnosed depression for 24 years. I was diagnosed just before my mom passed. I have no desire to take prescription drugs. I did that and I don’t think it helped at all. It’s a bandaid. My goal is to naturally heal myself of depression, get off blood pressure meds, and to have a healthy body. Not really looking for a number, but a feeling. I want to feel great and be in love with my body and myself.
I have to take time for me now. I’m fighting for my life. You must never stop fighting.

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what i’ve learned in 5 weeks

today i have been pregnant for 5 weeks. doesn’t seem long, but from week 3 to now i have learned a little bit that has helped ease my mind and hopefully it will help others.

taking multiple pregnancy test because you don’t feel pregnant is a waste of money.

i spent maybe close to $100 on pregnancy test hoping the line will get darker or to convince myself that despite symptions or lack there of that i am still pregnant. a line, whether light or dark, is still a line. you are pregnant. i would recommend taking maybe 3 test. one with blue ink, one with pink ink, and one digital. that’s it. after the digital says Pregnant you can stop.

spotting, cramps (some painful), and pinkish/brownish discharges is normal.
try not to freak everytime you see something when you wipe, in your panties, or in the toilet. i’ve read so many stories of ladies who freak out and go to the hospital to be told everything is fine. unless the pain is extremly unbearable and there is large amounts of blood do not worry. it will save you sanity.

speaking of sanity. don’t read other women’s horror stories.
i’m sorry, but i had to stop reading them. one night i had a dream that resembled what i read. after that i said enough. i’m not trying to be insensitive, but i have to protect my baby and that means i cannot stress. reading these stories made me stress. i needed to relax and worry about eating the right foods, getting exercise, and drinking enough water. these are things i struggled with before getting pregnant so i’m worried more about it now.

if you are plus size it may take months before you show depending on your size.
i’ve decided to accept this fact. some apps encourage photos to track changes. as a plus size muma that is discouraging. i decided to take pics anyways. i saw another plus size muma take her lying down. when you lie down you stomach flatten a little and you may see the bump. i’m only 5 weeks so no bump yet, but i’ll be able to notice it sooner.

you cannot sneeze your baby out of your vagina.
sometimes it does feel uncomfortable to sneeze. you suddenly feel it…down there, but despite that feeling you cannot sneeze the baby out. you’re sneezing from your nose not your vagina. i like to imagine that my baby is making a funny face when i sneeze because maybe it feels it, but it doesn’t move. sneezing may make a little pee come out.

lastly, you may not get symptoms.
morning sickness may never come or it will come later like a tone of bricks. my first symptom was gas. a lot of gas. for some reason it only bothered me at night. i had nightime gas. which was good because i wasn’t doing it at work. and if your boo doesn’t like it tell him that you’re not farting. you are whispering to your panties. maybe it will make him laugh. mine thinks it’s weird, but it makes me laugh so that’s all that matters to me.

i hope this helps some ladies. the pregnancy community can be very supportive, but there is nothing like the support of family and friends. they may get sick of you talking baby talk all day long, but it’s your turn. have enjoy what you can of it and one a few months you will have this really awesome person you made.